Phone ringing...

Boyfriend: Hello my love!!!
Girlfriend: How R U love ?
Boyfriend: I am good and you?
Girlfriend: Not good at all..
Boyfriend: Why not babes?
Girlfriend:I need $700 for my hair...
Boyfriend: This is a voicemail service... Press 1 to end this call or 2 to leave your message...

---AN EMBARRASSING MOMENT---
I was in a public toilet and just
got started to do my business, a
voice from the next cubicle said:
"Hi !, how are you ?"
Embarrassed, I replied, "I'm doing
fine". Then the voice said "So
what are you up to ?".
I said, "Just doing the same as
you, From next door,
"Can I come over?". Annoyed, I
said
"am rather busy right now".
The voice said, "Listen, I will have
to call you back, there's an idiot
next door answering all my
questions".

One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient Mark arrives complaining of serious back
pain.
The doctor examines him and asks him:
"Tell me what happened to your back..."

Mark replies:
"Sir, I work for a local night club. This
morning, I got to my apartment early and
heard some noise in my bed room. On
entering I knew someone had been with my
wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed
out of the balcony door and did not find
anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I
saw a man running out and he was dressing
himself. I was very angry,.. I grabbed the
fridge and threw it at him. It was very heavy...
That is how I strained my back....!!!"

Later that day, a second patient - Bob
arrives as if he has
been in a car wreck.
The doctor said:
"My previous patient looked bad,.... But you
look terrible..... What the hell happened to
you....??"

Bob replied:
"You know I have been unemployed for a
while now...., today was the first day at my
new job..... I forgot to set my alarm and I was
late,..... I was running out of the building,
getting dressed at the same time, I was hit by
a fridge! I don't know how and where from
this fridge fell on me...!!!"

Before closing hours, the third patient Johnny comes.
He looks like he was punished in hell.
The doctor is shocked. He asked:
"What the hell happened to you....??"

Johnny replies:
"Well, It started like this: "I was in a fridge..."

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris , he finds you.

Your search - Chuck Norris - did not match any documents.

Suggestions:

Run, before he finds you.
Try a different person.
Try someone less dangerous.

A businessman was getting ready
to go on a long business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious
sort with an extremely healthy sex
drive,
so he thought he'd buy her a little
something to keep her occupied
while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex
toys and started to look around.
He thought about a life-sized sex
doll, but that was too close to
another man for him.
He was browsing through the
dildo's, looking for something
special to please his wife,
and started talking to the old man
behind the counter.
He explained his situation. Well, I
don't really know of anything that
will do the trick.
We have vibrating dildos, special
attachments, and so on, but I
don't know of thing
that will keep her occupied for
weeks, except... and he stopped.
Except what? the man asked.
Nothing, nothing. C'mon, tell me! I
need something!
Well, sir, I don't usually mention
this, but there is The Voodoo
penis.
So what's up with this Voodoo
Penis? he asked. The old man
reached under the counter,
and pulled out a very old wooden
box, carved with strange symbols
and erotic images.
He opened it, and there lay an
ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and
said Big damn deal. It looks like
every other dildo in this shop!
The old man replied, But you
haven't seen what it'll do yet.
He pointed to a door and said
Voodoo Penis, the door.
The Voodoo Penis miraculously
rose out of its box, darted over to
the door,
and started pounding the keyhole.
The whole door shook wildly with
the vibrations,
so much so that a crack began to
form down the middle. Before the
door split, the
old man said Voodoo Penis, return
to box! The Voodoo Penis
stopped, levitated back to
the box and lay there quiescent
once more.
I'll take it! said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it
wasn't for sale,
but finally surrendered to USD738
in cash and an imitation Rolex.
The guy took it home to his wife,
told her it was a special dildo and
that to use it,
all she had to do was say Voodoo
Penis, my crotch.
He left for his trp satisfied that
things would be fine while he was
gone.
After he'd been gone a few days,
his wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people
who would willingly satisfy her,
but then she remembered the
Voodoo Penis. She undressed,
opened the box and said, Voodoo
Penis, my crotch!
The Voodoo Penis shot to her
crotch and started pumping. It
was absolutely
incredible, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before.
After three mind-shattering
orgasms, she became very
exhausted and decided she'd
hadenough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was
stuck in her, still thrusting.
She tried and tried to get it out,
but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgotten to tell
her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the
hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the
car and started to drive,
quivering with every thrust of the
dildo.
On the way, another incredible
intense orgasm made her swerve
all over the road.
A police officer saw this and
immediately pulled her over. He
asked for her license,
and then asked how much she'd
had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she
explained, I haven't had anything
to drink, officer.
You see, I've got this Voodoo
Penis thing stuck in my crotch and
it won't stop screwing me!
The officer looked at her for a
second, shook his head and in an
arrogant voice replied, Yeah,
right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!

SMART BLONDE JOKE
A blonde walks into a bank in
New York City and asks for the
Loan officer. She says she's going
to Europe on business for two
weeks andNeeds to borrow
$5,000.
The bank officer says the bank
will need some kind of security
for the loan, so the blonde hands
over the keys to a new Mercedes
Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in
front of the bank, she has the
title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car
collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its
officers all enjoy a good laugh at
the blond for using a $110,000
Benz as collateral against a $5,000
loan.
An employee of the bank then
proceeds to drive the Benz into
the bank's underground garage
and parks it there. Two weeks
later, the blonde returns, repays
the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we
are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has
worked out very nicely, but we
are a little puzzled. While you
were away, we checked you out
and found that you are a
multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would
you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in
New York City can I park my Car
for two weeks for only $15.41
and expect it to be there when I
return?"

A man trying to avoid
paying doctor's fee after an eye
operation says, "I still can't see."
The doctor then asks a sexy
nurse
to undress in front of him. He
again says "I can't see". Doctor
tells
nurse to open her
legs. Again he says "I can't see".
Doctor says "Stupid". If you
can't see, how come you're
having an ERECTION? Prepare his
bill
please...

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in
the center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and started
to rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and he
said I want to know the person you hate the most
The explorer said That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?
I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever you
wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount.
OK, I wish for a billion dollars
Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion
I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis
courts, everything
Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish
The explorer walked around the room and came back to the genie with a
stick and said Ya see this stick, I'd like you to beat me half to death.

Little Johny's parents took their son to church cos they wanted him to quit drinking beer...

One day Johnny goes to church and its baptizm service. The priest asks Johnny if he wants to be baptized. Johnny reluctantly agrees.The priest dips Johnny three times in the water, and he told him 'U are now a new creation, you are now called James.'

LJ goes Home. Wishing for a beer but feeling guilty, Johnny opened d fridge, took out a Castle and dips it in water three times and said 'U are now a new creation. From today you will be called Fanta!'

Bill and Marla decided the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making love." Mom and Dad bolted upright in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too," his son replied.

Mom : Are you Pregnant?
Girl : Yes, This is Our Project
in
College about Satisfaction of
Life.
Mom : Who is The Father?
.
.
.
.
.
Girl : I dont Know, It's a
Group
project!
The mom fainted!

Little jimmy was told to write a story and the moral of it for the homework.
next day in the class the teacher reads it..."my dad was an army officer. He went on a battle in Afghanistan. He only had a case of beer, a magazine of bullets and a knife. He went on a round to find out he was the only left from his troop. So he drank all the beer and fought bravely. He killed 80 enemies with the gun,10 with the knife and 10 with his bare hand."

Moral : "don't mess with my dad when he is drunk !"

Ana and joe have been husband and wife for over 15yrs.Now Ana has given birth to baby boy,their forth and second son.
A delighted joe walks into the hospital to see his lovely wife but was directed instead to the baby cot to see his son,by the time he came back his wife was already awake and he was furious and upset,so the wife asked..
Ana:-honey whats wrong,you look unhappy?
Joe:-ana,was that your baby in the cot?
Ana:-yes,honey,he has your eyes did you notice?
Joe:-will u stop that nonsense,let me ask u,our first son Gabriel,is he handsome or not?
Ana:-very handsome.
Joe:-what about Helena,our daughter,pretty or not?
Ana:-helena is beautiful.
Joe:-And priscilla?
Ana:-Priscilla is very beautiful also,honey what are u driving at?
Joe:-now tell me Ana,where did u get that little ugly monster from,if my other 3children are beautiful how come this ugly goblin?...A very annoyed ana replied
Ana:-hey joe don't even go there,i can agree to d fact that gabriel,priscilla and helena are goodlooking,but they take after their fathers,but this one joe is truly your son maybe your second child will be better.

A pilot was transporting a bunch of mad women from durban to psychiatric facility in giyani . the mad women were makin noise so one of them entered pilot's cabinet
mad woman: teach me how to fly a plane
pilot: if u can get your frnds to keep quiet i will teach u
(5 minutes later,the plane was very quiet!)
pilot : wow how dd u get them to keep quiet?
... mad woman: i opened da door and asked them to go play outside!!!

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it.

"Nice car," I said as he got out.

"Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have a
better one next year."

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. 
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a

 second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."

A funeral was held for a woman who had jst passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers carrying the casket accidentally bumped into a wall carrying the casket. They heared a faint moan. They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive. The woman lived for 10 more years then she died. A ceremony was held again at the same place and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers were again carrying out the casket. As they walked, the husband cried out, "watch out for the fucking wall"

Trying to make up for bad behavior, Banta went to the shopping mall to buy his wife a gift.

"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," Banta said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl inquired, as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."

A Doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant, "Banta, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients".

"Yes, sir!!!" answers Banta.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks, "So, Banta, How was your day?" Banta told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a Headache so I gave him Analgin."

"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had running nose and I gave him Coldarin, sir" says Banta.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts:

HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!"

And what did you do Banta?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes!!!

A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the housemaid.

She thought of a plan to take him by surprise.

One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid's room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed.

Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid's bed beside her.

After a few passionate kisses, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked, "Surprised?"

"I sure am, ma'am!" stammered the chauffeur

Blonde jokes-Counting Sheep

The blonde from Casper had been the brunt of dumb blonde jokes all her life and finally decided to do something about it. Boldly, she entered a beauty salon and had her hair dyed auburn. The change was immediate and drastic.
Suddenly people began to treat her with respect and her self-esteem grew daily. One afternoon she went for a drive in the country-side and happened upon a band of sheep and a herder. Deciding to test her new-found confidence and skill, she stopped and visited with the herder. After charming the herder, she made him a proposition. .
She said, "I’d love to have one of those sheep as a pet. Do you suppose if I guessed the exact number you have in your herd you could let me have one to take home?"
The herder, thinking there was no way in the world she could guess the exact number said, "Why sure little lady, you go ahead and guess."
The auburn/blonde said, "You have exactly 1053 head of sheep.
The herder could not believe it. She had guess the number right on the button. Chagrined, he told her to go ahead and pick out a sheep to take home. She wandered through the whole herd finally making her selection at the far edge of the flock. Carrying it back to her car, she put it in the back seat. As she was about to drive off, the herder came running towards her car frantically yelling,
"Wait, wait!" She rolled down her window to see what he wanted and he said, "I’ve got a proposition for you. If I can guess the exact color of your hair before you dyed it, can I have my dog back?"

Blonde jokes-Pay for themselves

A window salesman telephoned his blonde customer.
“Ms. Brown, our company replaced all your windows with triple-glazed models more than a year ago, and we still haven't received a single payment.”
“But,”, the blonde protested, “You promised me they would pay for themselves in 12 months.”

Blonde jokes-Alligator

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he saw a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts out,
"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!

Funny blonde jokes-The Gift

A blonde guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. After storming away and cooling off, he had time to think.
He knew he was clearly in the wrong and felt really guilty about the entire trauma that he had caused. So to make it up to his girlfriend, he decided to offer her a gift.
"I'm so sorry. Choose anything at all, my love," he said, overcome with remorse.
"Oh, I don't know," replied his sweetheart, excited at the idea of a gift but still wanting to get back at him. "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you insist, just get me something very expensive, that I don't really need."
The following day he booked her in for heart surgery.